Almost Lover
by TheRightWordsToSay
Summary: Mark and Addison alternative points of view as they go through their last night together, time apart, his visit to Seattle, and their conclusion.
1. Did I make it that easy?

_**Almost Lover (1/?)**_  
Title: Almost Lover (1/?)  
Pairing: Mark and Addison  
Rating: PG-13 for two F-bombs (Can you say that word in PG-13?)  
Summary: Their last night together before she leaves for Seattle.  
Disclaimer: Yep they're mine! Well, I like to pretend they are, but don't tell Shonda or anyone at Shondaland…or anyone at ABC for that matter.

_  
__A/N: So I've never done Mark/Addison before. In fact this is my second time posting any ficlet. I'm more of a fanvid kind of gal. I'm working on two videos actually so watch out for them on my journal. Anyways, I'm not totally happy with this but I have nothing to lose. I'm not sure how long this will be. I have a brief outline, but who knows?! I'm thinking the next chapter might be this exact period of time but from Addison's point of view. After that I have no idea what happens. So this is the night before she goes to Seattle form Marks POV obvs. The title of the fic is also the title of a song by A Fine Frenzy who I am absolutely obsessed with. The lyrics are so incredibly tragic that it can't be anything but a MAddison song. The song itself is so beautiful. You must listen. The title of the chapter is my favorite line in the whole song. Since I'm still a newbie be nice, but if you love it tell me, if you hate it at least give me something to work on. _

We lay there in complete silence. A silence that'll echo forever. A silence saying all the things we can't. I examine every inch of her being trying to memorize her. Memorize every body part touched, every moment ever shared, every breath ever taken in my presence. Once the morning robs us of the moonlight it'll all be over. Every part of it. This strange existence we have been living the past two months has to end. We both know it but it still hasn't been said in fear that the other will break.

We lay on our sides of the bed inches from one another; the blankets at our feet. Her black tank top violently clashing with the sterile white sheets. Her red hair sprawling across her pillow as she lays on her side with one arm behind her head and the other on the bed. The blue in her eyes glistens beneath the moonlight seeping in through the windows. I take her in a little at a time trying to make this last until the world won't let it anymore.

Looking at her now I'm aware that I never have and never will feel this way about anyone else. I could eat, drink, and sleep this feeling until the end of time. This is the moment I realize I don't remember how to live without her. Here I am, 40 years old and I finally have what I want, only to watch it fly to Seattle tomorrow. I thought the first time she touched me a little too long, I was sure. I thought the first time I woke up next to her, I was sure. But I was wrong on both counts. This. Right now is _the moment_ I'm sure I can't live without her.

The worst part isn't even that this moment boards a plane in eight hours, it's the fact that come tomorrow, Derek will have it (again) until death do them part. Even though we are over, she has silently convinced me that somehow it'll be okay; we'll be okay. She may never say it, but I can feel it. She believes, so I believe. And that mutual understanding reached in the dark is more than enough.

She takes her free hand and places it on my arm and I immediately get goose bumps. My body has never let the touch of any woman affect me the way it lets hers. I look up at her and notice the tears threatening to fall. "Mark." Her voice is shaky. "I just need you to kn-"

"Don't."

"I'm so sorry an-"

"Stop."

"I wish things could hav-"

"Dammit Addison. I said stop!" A single tear descends down her right cheek and makes a trail down to her nose. She quickly wipes away the tear and sniffles as she whispers "Sorry." I sit up and look down at her. "Stop apologizing. You made a choice. Don't look to me for absolution."

"I'm not looking for absolution Mark. I don't deserve it and I know that, but we made this decision. We made it together."

"No we didn't. You did. You don't want me. You don't want to be with me."

She gets out of the bed furiously and turns around to look at me, "You know we have talked about this and we decided it was for the best."

All I can do is look at her submissively. It's not worth fighting over. It won't change a damn thing. It was a decision she made. She talked, I listened. Just because I didn't speak doesn't mean we made the decision together. She looks away silently acknowledging she's wrong. She knows that her leaving me was not something I wanted. She knows it still isn't something I want.

She runs her hand through her hair and says, "I don't know what you want me to say."

I look at her and wait for her eyes to meet mine. When they finally do, thick tears have clouded her eyes. "Don't look at me like that Addison."

"Like what?"

"That look doesn't work on me anymore." I lie straight through my teeth.

"I'm not giving you any lo-"

"Don't do it. Don't you dare try making me feel bad."

"You Mark Sloan, are unbelievable. This is hard for me too. You act like you're the only one getting hurt here and you're not." She finishes her sentence by walking out of the bedroom. I follow her as she briskly walks down the stairs.

"Getting hurt? You want to talk about getting hurt? You're leaving me." We make our way into kitchen. Her back still to me as I continue, "I'm the one being left…again. Don't play the victim card with me. Save that for Derek." She turns around faster than you can say "adulterer".

"Don't bring Derek into this. We said we wouldn't bring him up anymore."

"Yeah well that before you decided to leave me so you could fly to Seattle in an attempt to save the marriage that ended three years ago."

I know right away that was the wrong thing to say. "Fuck you, Mark! Fuck you!" (Apparently she thought so too.) She has said that to me twice, well now three times, in all the years I have known her and we were fighting about Derek every time. She stands on the opposite side of the kitchen with tears welling up in her eyes. After a few minutes she walks over and looks up at me as the tears start streaming down her face.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I wrap my arms tightly around her believing that she truly means it. This wasn't supposed to happen. This night wasn't supposed to end like this.

"It's okay Addie. It'll be okay."

Later that night she falls asleep in my arms just the way it should be. There's something so perfect about falling asleep with the one you love. You feel secure about where you stand in the world. Everything falls into place. Even the most illogical things make sense.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The car ride the next morning is completely silent. I don't know what to say to her. How do you put an end to something that never had a chance to begin? We pull up to the curb at the airport and she gets out of the car without even looking at me, which I find rather odd. I pop the trunk and pull out her 86 suitcases full of those goddamn shoes she can't get enough of. I place one on the sidewalk as she hands the man her ID and says "Seattle". The man asks her what's in Seattle and she pauses and says "I don't know." I walk over to her with her final bag in hand and stand right in front of her for a few moments. She looks up at me, smiles nervously and says, "I guess this is it." "Guess so," I reply. _I don't know how to do this_ I think to myself. A day hasn't gone by in the past 15 years where I wasn't able to see her. Every moment of the past two months floods my mind. Everything from the instant I knew I was in love with her up until now. "I don't know what to say," she finally says after a few awkward moments.

"Me neither," I admit.

"I should go though. I board in a half hour and who knows what security looks like," she smiles faintly.

"Yeah. That's probably a good idea."

"Ok well," she moves in and wraps her arms around me, "Thank you for letting me stay with you and being there for me. It means a lot Mark."

"Anytime Ad."

"Have a safe drive," she reaches up and kisses me on the cheek. "Have a safe flight." She grabs her purse and glances at me once more before walking toward the door. "Addison?" I yell. She turns around waiting for me to say something, "I'll be here."

"Obviously Mark. This is where you live."

"No. I mean when you finally admit that it's over, I'll still be here." She looks at me for a good ten seconds before turning around and walking through the sliding doors. And that's it. It's over. Done. She didn't even seem phased by what just happened. She actually left me for my best friend. I don't remember any woman ever choosing Derek over me. Ever. She didn't acknowledge what we had in any way. For the first time since this all began, I feel used. I was her substitute husband. _This must be what all the women I sleep with feel like_ I think to myself as I make my way back to the car. I turn around one final time and I can barely see her red hair making its way toward security.

_I should have known you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do._


	2. And we'll lie down in our loneliness

**Title: Almost Lover (2/?)  
**Pairing: Mark and Addison  
Rating: PG-13 for two F-bombs (Can you say that word in PG-13?)  
Summary: Addison's point of view of their last night together before she leaves for Seattle.  
Disclaimer: Yep they're mine! Well, I like to pretend they are, but don't tell Shonda or anyone at Shondaland…or anyone at ABC for that matter.

_**A/N:** The title of the fic is also the title of a song by A Fine Frenzy who I am absolutely obsessed with. The lyrics are so incredibly tragic that it can't be anything but a MAddison song. The song itself is so beautiful. You must listen. The title of the chapter is from the lyric _"And we'll lie down in our loneliness. And wake up with our sad regrets."_ It's from __one of my favorite Faith Hill songs called "Stronger". _

I laid there in complete silence. A silence so empty and so painful my body ached in its echo. It wasn't the silence between us; it was the silence within me. I couldn't put together anything coherent to say to him. I haven't been able to for hours. We lay inches from one another. The inches of confusion and deception and lies and lust calm me in the strangest way. The space is so full of all of these things that I find myself struggling to breathe yet breathing just fine. Before the affair and the games, these are the things I feared, but somehow these feelings have become me; they consume me. I'm confused and I deceive and I lie and have never been more in lust in all my life. These things now define who I am.

When it happened, I have no idea. But I think it started the night I lost sight of who I was and the things I believed in. Back then I was a woman of my word and a woman who believed in fighting for the things that mattered most. Then one night I gambled and chose to play a different game. I decided to be the woman who took risks and lived in the moment. A woman who had no worries and didn't think about consequences. _That _woman ruined this woman.

I fall into this weird daze as the space between us devours me. I can feel his eyes moving up and down my body. The light blue slowly eats me alive as he takes me bit by bit, which is oddly ironic seeing as tomorrow I am willingly leaving a piece of me with him; a piece that must be left in order for me to function; in order for me to live my life.

His eyes are still taking me in and I wish he would stop. All I want is for him to stop. And I want to scream. I _need_ him to stop. I can't breathe or see and I lose feeling in my body as numbness engulfs it. I'm suffocating in my own silence. I suddenly feel as though the room is spinning and I'm falling. I can't stop it and I can't get a grasp of anything to keep me still. My eyes start to well up as I grab his arm.

"Mark."

He looks at me intently waiting for me speak_. I need to just say it_ I think to myself. Everything I've wanted to say and everything I need to say has to come out right now. _I'm so sorry and I wish things could have been different, but there are some things I need you to know. I need you to know that you've forever changed me. You kept me from drowning. You kept me alive and breathing. You reminded me what it was to be loved. You made me believe that all the terrible things I have done will be forgiven in the end. You let yourself love me knowing full well it wouldn't work. You held me at night knowing I wasn't yours to hold. You were there when I had nothing. You showed me that life goes on and somehow people survive. No words will ever be able to tell you how much I needed you; how much I needed this. I will never be able to thank you for saving me, but just know that you did and I will forever be grateful. _Before I'm even sure this is what I want to say the words starting falling out of my mouth, "I just need you to kn-"

"Don't"

"I'm so sorry an-"

"Stop."

"I wish things could have-"

"Dammit Addison. I said stop!" A tear falls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. All I want is to apologize. The guilt is holding me hostage and all I want is to be free. "Sorry," I whisper. I don't know what else to say. He doesn't want to hear it but I _have to_ say it if I have any chance of clearing my conscious before I leave.

He sits up and looks at me. "Stop apologizing. You made a choice. Don't look for me for absolution." This is where he gets it wrong. I'm not looking for forgiveness from him; I'm trying to find a way to forgive myself for all the unforgivable acts I have committed. I'm trying to clear my mind. "I'm not looking for absolution Mark. I don't deserve it and I know that, but we made this decision together. We made it together."

"No we didn't. You did. You don't want me. You don't want to be with me." He pushes the wrong button and I get out of the bad glaring at him. I have never once said anything of that caliber. But these are the sorts of things that show me Mark is an actual human being. When he lets his guard down, his insecurities come swimming to the forefront.

If he only knew how much I wish I could stay and be with him, things would be different. But I can't let him know that because things are hard enough. I have an obligation I must follow through with. "You know we have talked about this and we decided it was for the best." All he does is stare at me. He has nothing. I have nothing. I know he doesn't want me to leave, but this is about what is best for MarkAndAddison, this is about what is best for Mark and Addison, as two separate entities.

"I don't know what you want me to say." I start to tear up realizing that there is just absolutely no where to go from here. This back and forth is pointless. I'm leaving in the morning regardless of whether or not he approves. I finally look at him and he says, "Don't look at me like that Addison."

"Like what?"

"That look doesn't work on me anymore."

I know he's a goddamn liar, but I don't call him out on it. "I'm not giving you any lo-"

"Don't do it," he warns. "Don't you dare try to make me feel bad."

"You Mark Sloan are unbelievable. This is hard for me too. You act like you're the only one getting hurt here and you're not." I storm out of the bedroom and down the stairs. I can hear his footsteps behind me. "Getting hurt? You want to talk about getting hurt? You're leaving me." We make our way into kitchen. I don't turn around once, but he continues on, "I'm the one being left…again. Don't play the victim card with me. Save that for Derek." I turn around faster than I can blink. "Don't bring Derek into this. We said we wouldn't bring him up anymore."

Then, it happens: "Yeah well that before you decided to leave me so you could fly to Seattle in an attempt to save the marriage that ended three years ago." He brings up my marriage. Just to twist the knife a little deeper. Just to make sure it hurts good and hard. It's obsession of his. When all else fails, he uses his secret weapon. I can't defend myself when Derek is brought up. What am I supposed to say? I cheated on my husband with his best friend. It's unforgivable and I'm well aware of that.

So I spit poison instead. "Fuck you, Mark! Fuck you!" I normally feel so much better once I say it. It's the only weapon I have and it serves no purpose whatsoever except so I can feel a little better. Except this time, I don't feel better. Maybe it's the guilt or the fact I'm leaving him or that I'm trying to convince myself that I _actually_ mean it this time. Talk about having your gun misfire. I stand there for what seems like eternity hoping he'll speak first, but he doesn't. In that moment I realize just how unhealthy this arrangement is. When he doesn't take the lead, I'm lost. I don't know what to do unless he's leading me. With Derek it was the opposite, especially toward the end. He was too passive to lead, where right now; I'm just in unfamiliar territory. How to carry on a relationship with a mistress? Not a clue, but Mark? This was Mark's specialty.

I don't know what to do next, which seems to be a common theme in my life these days. To have a baby or not to have the baby. I chose not to the have the baby. To go to Seattle or stay in New York. I chose to go Seattle. To love him or leave him. I chose both. I had to. These days I don't know much, but what I do know is that I need out. I can't function. I can't think. I can't breathe.

I walk over to him knowing that I have to be the first to move. I dug us in this hole and I have to dig us out. The tears start streaming down my face. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He wraps me tightly in his arms and I know this is exactly how this night should have ended. This truly is the perfect end. "It's okay Addie. It'll be okay."

--------------------------------------

The car ride is completely silent the entire way to the airport the next morning. I say a voiceless prayer that this is quick and easy as we pull up to the curb. The car is stuffy and I feel as though I'm struggling to breathe as I get ready to say goodbye to the most unstable part of my life. I open the car door and I feel like I'm inhaling a second chance. With a simple deep breath, I'm starting over. Once he walks away, I get a new beginning. It hurts but it has to be done; for both of us. They say we hurt the ones we love and this is the second time in two months that I have tried to truly grasp that concept. I don't understand how we can be so careless with the souls of the ones we care about. How can we sacrifice the people who matter most for ourselves? I answer my own question as I walk over to check my bags without looking at him. The man asks me where I'm headed and I tell him Seattle. He then asks the question I've been waiting for someone to ask me for weeks, "What's in Seattle?" And I think about all the answers I have rehearsed and decide against every one. Instead I give the most honest answer I can, "I don't know."

By the time the man takes my bags and gives me my ticket Mark is standing next to me waiting for what comes next. "I guess this is it," I say. A ridiculous way to start a goodbye. "Guess so." _I don't know how to do this _I think to myself. A day hasn't gone by in the past 15 years where I didn't see him. He's always been there whether I wanted him there or not.

"I don't know what to say." Another ridiculous statement.

"Me neither," he replies.

I know full well I just need to get out of here so I take the easy way out. "I should go though. I board in a half hour and who knows what security looks like." He looks almost confused but goes with it anyways, "Yeah. That's probably a good idea." I move in and give him a hug "Thank you for letting me stay with you and for being there for me. It means a lot Mark."

"Anytime Ad."

I reach up to give him a kiss on the cheek and say, "Have a safe drive." As I reach down to grab my purse he says something about a safe flight, but at this point I'm blocking everything out. As I make my way to the door I hear him yell my name. I turn around and he says, "I'll be here." I know exactly what he means, but I play dumb instead. "Obviously Mark. This is where you live."

"No. I mean when you finally admit that it's over, I'll still be here." That hits me like a ton of bricks and I can't take it anymore. I turn around and never look back. I suddenly feel empty. This is exactly the opposite of how I thought I'd feel. It takes everything I have and everything I am not to turn around and run back to him, but I have convinced myself this is the way it's supposed to be. And with that I make my way through security and take a deep breath knowing we're both better off.

_Baby I'm sorry for the way things are. Goodbye is always hard. And we both will be stronger…_


	3. The very minute I'm aware I'm alive

**Title:** Almost Lover (3?)  
**Pairing:** Mark and Addison  
**Rating:** PG  
**Summary:** Mark is stopped in his tracks by something Addison left behind. Introduction of a possible love interest.  
**Disclaimer:** Yep they're mine! Well, I like to pretend they are, but don't tell Shonda or anyone at Shondaland…or anyone at ABC for that matter. 

_A/N: Title of the fic is still a song by A Fine Frenzy. The title of this chapteris my favorite lyric, _"This could be the very minute I'm aware I'm alive," _from the song"Chocolate" by Snow Patrol. It's a song about drugs, but is strangely fitting with this pair. I don't know how I feel about this chapter either, but let me know._

All I can do is sit here and stare. For thefirst time in weeks she has resurfaced in my life. I've pushed every feeling, every thought about her out of my mind. And now, here I am face to face with the only thing left of her, left of us. I have made sure that deep down there is no piece of her with me. Her shoes are gone from my closet. Her smell, gone from my sheets. Her face, gone from my mind. It was as simple as that. Until now. 

Now everything I have forgotten is swimming to the surface. The things I threw away, the memories I refuse to think about are all coming back. The room swallows me whole as I try to figure out what to do next. Where to look, where to step, I don't know. I had finally got myself together and now I'm, once again, in pieces. She's putting on earrings in the mirror. She's fixing her hair in the bathroom. She's searching for shoes in the closet. She's everywhere. 

I look at the object hoping it'll tell me what comes next besides the date…and nothing. It's completely useless. All it does is tell me how long she's been gone and how long I've been alone. It reminds me that time has taken something from me, but in essence, it was a gift. It has wiped her away from my memory and it felt so damn good. I was able to wake up in the morning and not look next to me. I didn't have to wait to use the bathroom or argue about what to watch on T.V. It was such a relief to not think about anyone but myself. I finally got back into the groove of one. 

Now I'm not thinking about one or two, but three. Thoughts of who we could be and where we could have gone start tugging at my insides. I forced myself not to think about it before and now I can't stop. The days and hours and minutes and seconds that have passed and could have passed are ticking in my head and they won't stop. All I can do is sit there and wonder. 

I think about where she is and who she is. Only a few weeks have passed, but that's all it takes to change someone completely. And I know that better than anyone. I wonder if she's in Seattle or New York. I wonder if she's married or divorced. Most importantly, I wonder if she's happy. No matter how many bad decisions she made she deserved to be happy; everyone does. I wonder what she is doing at this exact moment. Who she is with, what she's wearing, what air she's breathing. I crave to know every detail and that is exactly why I can't think about her. Longing to know every detail will be the end of me. 

And with that I've had enough. I can't sit here and do this anymore. She's gone. It's gone. It's over. There's nothing to think about; thinking only makes it worse. Why wonder about the things I'll never know? I throw it on the bed and walk downstairs to get my jacket and shoes and head out to grab a drink. It doesn't matter where I go tonight as long as they have a cure; something to make her go away. For good. Tonight is the night I drink her away. I'll drown every last bit of her in alcohol.

I walk into the corner pub and take in the large crowd. The noise is so loud it's muted and the smoke burns my eyes until they water, but this must be done. I notice an empty stool on the other side of the bar and make my way over. "Double scotch single malt," I tell the bartender. While I'm waiting for my liquid band-aid to come, I see someone out of the corner of my eye lean toward me. "Excuse me?" She's gorgeous. "Is this seat taken?" It obviously doesn't take me long to turn on the charm. "Now it is." She smiles and sits down. 

"You come here often?" I ask her trying to ease into conversation. 

"Actually, no. First timer."

"First time huh? It's been years since I've had a girl tell me that." 

She looks over at me quizzically and lets out a small laugh, "That has got to be some sort of record." I look at her urging her to explain what exactly I have broken a record for. "It took you what like 6.5 seconds to bring up sex? Congratulations. That's very impressive" Sense of humor. I like it. Next: my go-to move. "Let me buy you a drink to celebrate." 

"I'm actually meeting someone here in like 10 minutes," she says glancing down at her watch.

_Never stopped me before_ I think to myself. "Plenty of time. What'll it be?"

She smiles and in that moment I decide there's no way I'm leaving without her. Her deep brown eyes speak to me and let me know she's _actually_ living and beautiful and above all things, happy. And God knows I could use some of that in my life right about now. She loves who she is and where she is and is confident in both. Her eyes tell a completely different story than Addison's ever had. At some point Addison had life in her eyes, but now all I remember is the sadness that flooded them every time I looked at her. But this girl, whoever she is, is alive and embracing every single breath she takes. 

"I'll just take a beer." A woman who knows the key my heart. 

"Steve we need a beer for the lady and another for me!" I yell down to the bartender. "It's Jessie," she pipes in. "What?" I ask somewhat caught off guard. "My name. It's Jessie," she says as she reaches out her hand. I shake her hand and respond with a simple "Mark." The bartender brings us are drinks and I lift my glass. "To first times." She meets my glass in the air and repeats the toast, "To first times." 

---------------------------------

Two hours later we are still sitting on our bar stools. Two hours later we're still drinking. Two hours later I'm still somewhat infatuated with her. She's like no woman I've ever met, except Addison. Every so often I see glimpses of her in Jessie. They look different, they talk different, they dress different, yet they're almost identical. I can't decide if the similarity to Addison makes me want to stay or run. I decide to stay. I've always been up for a good challenge. 

She looks down at her watch and I remember how she was supposed to be meeting someone. "Guess he's not coming," I offer up sounding much harsher than I intended. "Guess not." She doesn't look sad or upset in anyway. "He wasn't that cute anyways," she says laughing. The way she laughs makes the whole room stop. The sound of her laugh sounds strangely familiar. Addison. I'll never forget the first time I made her laugh once Derek left. It sounded exactly like that. It was warm and full of hope. It made me fe-

"Mark, are you okay?" 

"What? Oh yeah. I'm good." Awkwardness takes over so I do what I do best, second only to picking up women. "Lets drink." And we clash our glasses together and throw back the two shots she ordered. It rips through my esophagus and I know immediately that I will be taking a cab home. 

"So Mark, tell me your story."

"I don't have one."

"Liar."

"Well what's your story?"

"I don't have one either."

"Well who's the liar now?"

"Tell me why you're here alone on a Saturday night. You're good looking, successful, funny. Something must be wrong with you and I'm dying to know what it is."

I just look at her and she knows right away. It must be a chick instinct. Addison could always read my face and knew what I was thinking almost all the time and now here is this girl I've known a few hours and she read me like a book. 

"Oh I see. What's her name?"

Of course she went there. Dammit. I swore I'd never tell _just _anyone about Addison or Derek or what happened. It was too painful and I didn't want to go there unless I was sure this said person wasn't going anywhere. I just met this girl and there is no way I'm telling her anything. "Want to get out of here?" I offer up as a defense.

"You mean go back to your place?" I nod my head. "Dr. Sloan." She hops off the bar and reaches in her purse. "No offense or anything but if you want to sleep with me…" she pulls out a pen and writes on my hand 10 numbers "…you're going to have to try a whole hell of a lot harder than that." She clicks the pen, puts it in her purse and with that, she's off. I sit there and laugh to myself. Shut down on my first attempt at healing the good ole fashion way. 

---------------------------------

I get home and climb the stairs hoping the alcohol will lullaby me right to sleep. I get ready for bed and once again am stopped in my tracks by the open object lying on my bed. I need to get rid of it in order for me to sleep, in order for me to wake up in the morning. I flip months ahead to the exact date and the red circle annihilates me. The day that once promised to change my life forever will be like any other day in my numb existence. I take it and rip it in half and then in half again and then in half again. I rip it into a million little pieces over the trash can and watch as my what-could-have-been-future floats down into the garbage can

I run my hands through my hair and sigh in resignation as the last piece of her is gone. As I walk toward the bed, the black numbers on my hand catch my eye. I think that maybe tomorrow will the day that I really drown her memory not by drinking, but by moving on. I sit down on the bed and look over at the trash can once last time to wonder where she'll be on that day. The phone number on my hand dances in my mind as I wonder where we will all be on that day.

_Goodness knows I saw it coming… or at least I'll claim I did _


	4. But I need you now

Title: Almost Lover (4/?)  
Pairing: Mark and Addison  
Rating: PG  
Summary: Addison is now with Derek and Seattle and reflects on her relationships with Derek and Mark.  
Disclaimer: Yep they're mine! Well, I like to pretend they are, but don't tell Shonda or anyone at Shondaland…or anyone at ABC for that matter.

_A/N: Title of the fic is still a song by A Fine Frenzy. The title of this chapter is my favorite lyric from the song "Ballerina" by Leona Naess. If you have not heard this song, you are to go download it right this second. I heard during one of my all time favorite scenes on "Weeds". Anyway, I really don't like this chapter, but I had to do something to get back into writing this fic and well, this was the product. Oh and I have no idea when this is set. Sometime around the Addison/Derek counseling session. _

I did it. I caved. I'm moving. I'm moving to the land where rain, ferryboats, and coffee flow freely. It's a compromise. I'm moving to Seattle and he isn't speaking to Meredith anymore. At the time, it seemed like a fair trade. But now? Not so much. Moving here is so permanent. There's no turning back. I have uprooted my entire life to come here. He could talk to Meredith all day every day and I'd never know. On top of everything else, now I have to worry about a third person in my marriage. I'll wonder if he's talking to her, working with her, if she is still a part of his life, our life. That isn't even close to a fair trade, but he's willing to give us a second chance. He's willing to look past my infidelities, (the ones he knows about), and let me back into his life. And I'm willing to do the same.

I don't have any choice, but to hang on for dear life. I'm not prepared to face everything I have become on my own. I'm not prepared to wake up everyday and look in the mirror to study the many reasons I hit the self destruct button. I need someone and there is no way I can go back to New York. After all the things Mark and I did to one another, going back is not an option. There are so many broken pieces to that puzzle that I'm not sure it can ever be one perfect picture. There are pieces lost and missing and those that just don't seem to fit anywhere. Everyone knows that a puzzle with missing pieces here and there is just not pleasing to look at, never mind live with.

I do still think about him everyday. I wonder where he is and who he is and who he might be with. I wonder if he's moved on or if he's waking up next to someone else or if I cross his mind during the day or if I'm with him in his dreams. Most of all, I wonder if he's happy. He deserves to be happy; everyone does. After the past two months I think both of us wonder if happiness is something that can ever truly be attained, but somehow, someway I think he will find that. There comes a point when you _care_ about someone so much you just want them to be happy. You don't care how they find it, but you just hope they do. There comes a point when you _love_ someone so much that you start doing things so they can find happiness. Me leaving New York was my good deed. It had to be done or we would have forever been smothered with guilt and secrecy and uncertainty. And those are three things no one can live with. Only a few weeks have past, but we all know that's plenty of time to change someone's entire life. Time changes all of us and God knows Mark needed a change after the mess we made.

After that counseling session, I just need a drink. There is nothing I want more than to drown my sorrows with a bottle of liquor. I wish Mark was the one I was sitting there with. I wish he was the one I was working on a relationship with. I wish Mark was the one I would have walked to the car with and eaten dinner with and gone to sleep with and woken up next to. But he isn't the one I'm doing those things with. I know that, I really do. It's just a matter of accepting that fact. I need to find a way to stop looking back and look forward. I still try to convince myself everyday that the decision Mark and I made was the best thing for both of us.

Of course this would all be a lot easier if I recognized the person lying on the other side of the room. How is it that the people we are physically closest to are actually the furthest away? I mean there is a man, whom I do love, lying a few feet from me, but I don't know who he is. I know who he was, but that wont help me know. If there was a way to get in his head and understand I would. I just want to be on the inside. I want to know everything he is thinking and feeling, but I can't. And there is nothing more frustrating than trying to understand someone that just won't let you. I feel like if I can just get on the inside, things will go back. Of course, going back doesn't seem like an option for Derek these days.

Getting used to new Derek will take some time getting used to. He's different. I hope that deep down he is still the same person, but the front he puts up now is not Derek. Adultery changed him. Girlfriends changed him. Seattle changed him. And now I'm not sure who he is. I'm not sure who I am. And I most certainly don't know who we are together. I had the role of Addison-Derek's-wife figured out. I had Addison-the-adulterous-bitch down to a tee. I knew Addison-Mark's-lover like the back of my hand. But Addison, Derek's-wife-take-two? I don't know her. I'm uneasy around her and unsure of myself. I don't know where I stand or how to ease into this again. All the uncertainty forces me to cling to every word he'll give me. I'm just trying to figure it all out.

I sit in the trailer and stare at his back as he sleeps and I wonder what I'm doing. He is in the same room with me, but I've never felt more alone. I want to go back. There isn't much I wouldn't give to go back to who we used to be. With Mark, there was no trying. There was no struggling to understand. We both just _knew. _We understood what we had and what the other needed. We understood the boundaries we had crossed and the ones that needed to be kept. Without saying a word, our relationship had been defined and that was it. Even though we created a bigger mess than we knew what to do with, it was so simple. The whole ordeal was complicated, but just me and him? It was effortless and easy. When we were together, everything made sense in the strangest way possible. How could something that catastrophic make sense? I still don't know. What I do know is that I want that sense of lenience to come back. I need to find some sort of calmness in the storm.

Sitting in that trailer, I realize how little I actually have. No words come to me, no feelings are felt. It's just silence and distance. That's my life now. Somehow I feel like if I was in this situation with Mark, it would be okay. I would be alright with this because I would know that no matter what I was still loved. That night as I go to sleep, I say a silent prayer that wherever Mark is, he's looking for me. Whether it's in the hallways of the hospital, or on the streets of the city, or even in his dreams, I hope he's searching. Sleeping is the only place I find peace; it's the only time Mark and I are together. Because of the time difference, I think about how Mark is already dreaming, but he's sitting there and he's waiting for me. As soon as I close my eyes, we're together. Even if it's only when I sleep at night, we are together in the only way we can be.

_So so sorry. Just come back to me now…_


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